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ALL SORTS OF ITEMS.
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A basket picnic is a no-table event.

Old as the hills--the valleys.--Cedar Rapids Gossip.

A receiving-teller--a gossiping woman. Texas Siftings.

Ripe for mischief--the early watermelon. Cleveland Sun.

The talk about war in Afghanistan seems to be Ameer rumor. --Boston Post.

The melon-cholic days have come, the painfulest of the year. --Boston Post.

We haven't any kings and queens in this country. We have bosses. --Syracuse Herald.

If you want a wen removed consult the know-wenest surgeon you can find. --Texas Siftings.

When a singer's throat is raw, you can't expect her songs to be well done. --Pissburg Chronicle.

No, "girls of the period" are not those who are ever inclined to come to a full stop. Boston Post.

Charity may cover a multitude of sins, but that is not its regular business. --N. O. Picanyune.

A New Hampshire genius advertises for "a pushing man to do business with a wheelbarrow." --Burlington Free Press.

The Canadian printer who is one hundred and three years old is thought to be a typographical error. --Tid-Bits.

The New York girls practice smiling before a glass. --Boston Post. The men smile behind it. --Philadelphia Call.

Herr Most says "the Anarchist will yet make his mark." Certainly, when he rubs up against anything. --Texas Siftings.

They never call Mr. Cody "Buffalo Bill" in Boston. They speak of him as "Bison Americanus [Guillamus?]. --N. Y. World."

The Interstate Commerce law hasn't affected the undertaker. He carries as many dead-heads as ever. --Philadelphi Call.

In Hindoostan a copper cent is called a "damri." From this probably comes the expression, "It isn't worth a continental." Philadelphia Call.

The rivalry between the sugar manufacturers of the Sandwich Islands will of course result in victory for those who have the most sand. --Pittsburg Chronicle.

The broiled chicken on the bill of fare at the summer hotel is too often like the same fowl when it emerges from the shell--"just out." --Boston Commercial Bulletin.

"In the interest of the health of the community," a New Yorker informs the sanitary authorities of his city, "on Friday last a large snake came through the faucet."

Seashore Mem.--The Cincinnati Commercial remarks that "there is a tide in the affairs of men which, if not skillfully dodged at the proper time, drowns them."

J. R. Whipple, a Boston hotel man has taken out $500,000 insurance on his life. The agent who wrote the policies can now afford to do without any life insurance himself.

It is a melancholy fact that the brilliant young banker who is spoken of as "a young Napoleon of finance" always finds his Waterloo sooner or later. --Philadelphia Press.

Henry George says there is work enough in this country for every man to have a job. Wouldn't it be a good idea, then, for George to go to work instead of wasting his time in talk? --Boston Post.

It is said that Sarah Bernhardt invested the bulk of her money made here last season in American real estate. She should come back and be naturalized. --Cincinnati Commercial Gazette.

In telling what a blind man has seen in Washington, Dr. Milburn might add some highly interesting facts in regard to what has been winked at in Washington for a good many years. --Louisville Courier Journal.

Divorces Are Common--First Chicago Woman--Excuse me sir, but would you tell me your name? Second Chicago Woman--Really, I do not know. I have not heard from the Court House to-day. --Detroit Free Press.

It is a frivolous thought to suppose that in the new French Cabinet General Saussier was preferred to General Boulanger as Minister of War, because the former was the Saussier of the two. --Boston Comemrical Bulletin.

A teacher said to a member of the State Board of Health, who was investigating the condition of her room: "No, I haven't any ventilators; I don't see any use for them." "But how do you keep the air pure?" "Oh, I've got a thermometer." --Albany Argus.

Giving Him No Show-- "No, Bobby," said his mother, "one piece of pie is quite enough for you." "It's funny," responded Bobby, with an injured [air?], "you say you are anxious that I should learn to eat properly, and yet you won't give me a chance to practice." --[Puck?]?