253

OUR PICA Y UNES.

A total abstinence preacher should not keep his sermones in a barrel.

A legal question: When will you deposity the retaining fee?

Buffalo Bill wants to take his Wild West Show to the Eternal City, exhibity in the Colosseum, and make Rome howl.

A.T. Stowart should have been cremated as soon as cold. There would have been no more trouble about his bones.

The Hotel Mail is authority for the statement that no congressman is a hero in the eyes of a Washington hotel waiter.

The boss colts with the Bristol Horse Show at the St. Charles Theater have nothing to do with the Bouoisults at the Academy of Music.

The saying, "Pretty as a picture,' goes for nothing in the face of the picture made the Montgomery Advertiser for the president's wife.

Tallors at last have found a way to glue seams together so firmly as to prevent the necessity for sewing. This will suit everybody, and the sewing machine must go.

The play of the fountain put up at Stratfor-on-Avon by Geo. W. Childs in memory of Shakespere has no music for the Bacon-stuffed cars of Donnelly. Ig. says it is mere Child's play.

Those "Two Old Cronies" lately at the Avenue Theater were wild chaps. They were followed by "A Pair of Kids." These thank fortune, will not interfere with "My Geraldine" at the Academy.

Some people who go to theaters expect and seem to want the earth. For these Signor Faranta has provided, and will give them "The World." If they are not satisfied with that next week they will get "A Plum Pudding." They may then want "Collars and Cuffs."

The Rev. Chandler will get lots of slippers next Christmas from vinegarfaced old sisters who follow his advice and believe that it is sinful to visit a theater, and wicked to seek any enjoyment in this world that is not found in four-leaved tracts and in the vestryrootu.

"The members of Plymouth church do not seem to have forigiven the Lord yet for the removal of their pastor," says an exchange. It might have been better to have removed the church and left the pastor. Learning gratitude for the loss of that which one loves best is a hard lesson.

It is rumored that Julian Hawthorne's next dime novel will be a ghost story of hotels, entitled "Inn Spectre Byrnos," the foundation for which was found in the diary of a New York policeman and taken from him while asleep on his beat. The story may be dedicated to James Russell Lowell.

The editor Martha's Vineyard Herald says: "We and science have always agreed that early rising is a fraid. Now comes the superintending doctor of a New York insane asylum with the assortion that the habit, if persisted in, will result in injury to mental health. We don't propose to enter into competition with the 'lark' for a position in a lunatic asylum."

Every New York paper has an idea that no other paper has a right to exist in that city.--[Philadelphia Inquirer.] Certainly; and it was long ago suggested that Philadelphia entirely unnecessary. With this in view early and fast mail trains were put on.

Since the failure of the grape crop in France the people have taken to drinking the vilest kind of spirits, and the records show that drunkenness is on the increase. If Frenchmen could afford to import and drink American wine they would have a much better article. It is largely drank in this country and called French to please customers who have little wine sense and no patriotism.

The Iron Post of Two Harbors, Minn., says: "Greater than all the triumphs of the political arena will be the conquest which Ignatius Donnelly in quietly achieving in the silent hours of his study at Niniger, for his name will be linked forever with that of Bacon." He might steal a ham or a side of hog from a grocery store and achieve the same kind of greatness, so far as being linked with bacon is concerned.

Captain Jack Mellon is a practical joke who never loses his teraper even when the joke is against hime. One day a convivial crowd in a Truthful James saloon sent for him to come there immediately. He went, supposing important business was on hand, and found an able speaker saying: "Gentlemen, I promised to who you a wonderful agricultural product, in fact the biggest Mellon over raised in the south; her it is." Captain Jack took in the situation and said: "It is on me, boys; order what you like." After the boer had disappeared Captain jack said in his smiling and sweeted way: "Now, gentlemen, I wish to introduce to your notice something still more wonderful in the agricultural line, and will now show you the biggest best in the world." Every one present turned immediately to the man who had put up the melon job, and the captain gracefully retired.