214

SHREDS AND PATCHES

Buffalo Bill must now be regarded as a rich man. His wife has applied for a divorce. --Picayune.

Machinery will do almost anything, and what machinery can't do, a woman can with a hair pin. --New Haven News.

Of all the various deabts we own to our fellow men, that of [?] is the one most frequently disregarded --Chicago Ledger.

A small hand is said to be a sign of refinement. How vulgar, then, must be the man who holds four aces. --Baltimore American.

The Boston nine indeed!--here are the Puritan and Mayflower and Volunteer--what do we want of any other six? --Boston Herald.

What is the difference between a High Churchman and a Baptist? The one uses candles the other dips --Martha's Vineyard Herald.

Of course people in Iowa can drink. They can get drunk. But they are not permitted to put on any style about it. --Sioux City Journal.

The Princess Pignatale is said to be a waiter girl in a second-class Vienna cafe. It is supposed the Prince's hand organ gave out. --Rochester Post-Express.

There is a town of 2,200 inhabitants in Michigan without a dentist. It has a blacksmith, however, who does plain work in that line. --Burlington Free Press.

An Ohio lover shot his sweetheart because she refused to kiss him. Our girls do not require such extreme modes of persuasion. --New Orleans Chronicle.

A writer on political economy says "It's the looks that toll." Yes, indeed a little look will give you away as fast as an overgrown onion. --Yonkers Statesman.

A rather alarming result of the higher education of women is the tendency of those who have secured a measure of literary culture to shower advice and instruction upon other women. --Indianapolis Journal.

John (just from the club and about to retire for the night)--I say, Tom, there's a brick in my bat sure this time. It's so heavy it breaks off the nail heads. He had been trying to hang up his hat on a fly. --New Haven News.

"Come, Bobby," said the old gentleman, "you must go to church this morning. When I was a boy your age, I had to go to church twice every Sunday." "I s'pose I'd go to chruch twice every Sunday, too," said Bobby, beginning to get ready, "if I had to." --Indiana Farmer.

Burglars broke a glass in a window in a Boston store a few nights ago and stole eighty stylographic pens. They escaped arrest, but they will get all the punishment they deserve, and more too, when they attempt to write with the pens. --Norristown Herald.

Nebraska Farmer--"Socialists? Socialists? Oh, yes, I know what you mean. I've met a good many of ye!" Omaha Socialist--"Eh? In your parts?" "Plenty. Yes, now I think of it they do want everything in common--except work. Out our way we call 'em tramps." --Omaha World.

"Willie Wafflers," said the teacher, "which is the shortest day in the year?" "Twenty first of December," replied Willie, who was correct, so far as the writer knows. "And Tommy Tuff may tell us which is the longest day," said the teacher indulgently, "Sunday!" shouted Tommy. --Life.

Two Thompson street ladies became involved in a wordy difficulty, "Yo' is lazy an' [shif'less?], yo' brack trash, yo'." said one. "Mebby I is lazy an' [shif'lie?], mebby I is, but I ain't lazy an' [shif'lie?] 'nough to patch de old man's trousers wif fly paper as yo' does," said the other. --New York Sun.