21

TALK OF THE DAY.

Brandied for life-the old toper's nose.-[Cleveland Sun.
An act to amend-sewing on buttons.-[Washington Critic.
Bad weather prophets-made on the sale of umbrellas-[Texas Siftings.
A burglar generally makes his home run after he reaches the plate.-[Lowell Citizen.
A poor tailor makes a poor coat, and a poor writer makes a poor quota also. -[Whitehall Times.
It seems to be an historical fact that Kilkenny cats played at cross purr-passes.-[Charlestown Enterprise.
Anarchist Most declares that "liberty is a lie." We don't see why he need be afraid of it, then.-[Boston Post.
Thompson-"Suppose a man should call you a liar, what should you do!" Jones (hesitatingly)-"What sized man!"
The married man as well as the pugilist is now often knocked out by spring wraps.-[Philadelphia North American.
Cholera is disappearing in Chili, and arrangements are being made for the regular spring insurrection.-[Chicago Mail.
It is strange that the potters do not go into the base ball business. They can make such good pitchers.-[Pittsburgh Chronicle.
A dog is property when it has been stolen;but it is not property when the tar assessor comes round.-[New Orleans Picayune.
A married man remarks that the principal difference between a man's hat and a woman's bonnet is about $12.-[Minneapolis Journal.
Popularity is a thing that is very seldom found by those who search for it persistently, and comes oftener from accident than design.
Washington newspaper men are generally pretty good company at a public dinner. You know they all tell capital stories.-[Somerville Journal.
Some very serious burglaries have taken place at Sing Sing. This is getting pretty rear home for burglars.-[Nyack City and Country.
A New York paper says there is considerable bustle in the dry goods market, but then there always is when the ladies go shopping.-[Pittsburgh Chronicle.
Four well-known Boston ladies in town won $100 apiece on the first game with the Nationalists. They are win-some creatures.-[Washington Post.
Now is the time when the man who keeps hens begins to be viewed with intense anxiety by his neighbors who have gardens.-[Burlington Free Press.

A million girls rolled into one would not have a tithe of the vanity of the man whose youth is past and whose old age has not begun.-[Philadelphia News.
Men will spend a dollar at the bar while declaiming against the outrage of charging twenty-five cents admission to a temperance lecture.-[Texas Siftings.
Pugilist-"I heard you wanted some one to post bills." Showman-"I do. Have you had experience?" P.-"No, but I'm a first-class paster."-[Boston Budget.
"He that giveth to the poor Iendeth to the Lord." Omaha is being paid back with twenty per cent. Compound interest in the sale of the Poor Farm.-[Omaha World.
An exchange mentions angels and politics in the same breath. It has a mingled odor that reminds one of an amulgamation of violets and garlic.-[Memphis Avalanche.
Alma Tadema, the artist, has a staircase in his new London residence made of brass. Being modest himself, he felt the need of a brazeu stare. -New Haven News.
Jennie June says the evening party died out because gentlemen wouldn't attend. In other words, the girls had nobody to take them-[Rochester Democrat and Chronicle.
"Waiter, waiter, here's a collar-button in the soup." "Yes, sir, put there a purpose, sir." "What for?", "For the man who collared the soup, sir."-Cleveland Sun.
John Fries, of Philadelphia, was arrested for snatching the eye-glasses from the nose of a young lady. The motive for his crime is easily seen through.-[Norristown Herald.
The binding of tools in the British Museum have a special significance. Historical works are in red, theological in blue, poetical in yellow, and natural history in green. Law sticks to calf.
Buffalo Bill visited the British House of Commons, and every time he reached for his handkercheif the M. Ps. dodged so that they nearly fell out of their seats.-[Burlington Free Press.
Painters and carpenters are very fortunate persons, for no matter how incompetent they may be as workmen, they neverthless, go to the top of the ladder as often as they desire.-[Boston Budget.
Miss B-"Why is it, Mr. A.,that wheneveer you refer to a Boston friend you invariably use the word fellow!" New Yorker-"Oh, because he belongs around the Hub, of course." -[Boston Budget.

An observing New York reporter says "Gen. Sheridan supported himself with an umbrella." He didn't. He couldn't. If he tried, it would be bad for the umbrella -[Washington Post.

Bernhardt played to lean audiences in Cincinnati, and the Omaha Herald thinks it was a case of "fairexchange." But however lean the divine Sarah may be, her pocketbook is plethoric. -[Albany Argus.

Word comes from Florida that there is no longer profit in shipping strawberries. The producers must have been compelled to turn the box over and put the fruit in the other end. -[Cambridge Chronicle.

Popinjay -- "Good morning, Dumpsey. You are looking quite chipper this morning." Dumpsey -- "Yes, I am more chipper than usual. I raked in quite a lot of 'em last night." -[Burlington Free Press.

When a man complained about a hotel with no means of getting out in case of fire, Popkins said that he didn't care for means to get out of a hotel. What he needed was means for staying there. -[Texas Siftings.

"Since the Sunday liquor laws have been enforced, I am reminded strongly of a certain English poet," observed the Snake Editor.
"Which 1" asked the Horse Editor.
"Dryden." -[Pittsburgh Chronicle.

Henry Villard, the unfortunate Northern Pacific manager who lost his all in that enterprise, is living in a miserable $20,000-a-year mansion in New York at present. This life is full of ups and downs. -[Chicago Mail

Emperor William is reported to have said that "it is the one button left unbuttoned which is the ruin of an army." Too true, and it is the one button left unsewed that is the ruin of a honeymoon. -[Omaha World

A Cleveland medium claims to have had a three-column interview with a spirit. How a spirit could let the trumpets and accordeons alone long enough to talk three columns is the greatest mystery of all. -[Omaha World.

"A Blue Blooded Beat" was the recent heading in a newspaper. It did not refer to a new agricultural product, but to a baron who had pulled up roots and absconded with a good deal of pay dirt that didn't belong to him. -[Boston Commerical Gazette

A schooner with a cargo of ice sank in the [Schuylkill?] on Monday night. Those who expect that this accident will enable the Department of Public Works to furnish citizens with ice water the coming summer will probably be doomed to a sad disappointment. -[Philadelphis Call.

A dancing professor says: "No gentleman should presume to place his arm around a lady's waist without gloves." That may be etiquette, but strict morality requires that no gentleman with or without gloves should place his arm around a lady's waist without music. -[Omaha World.

"And now, dear, is there anything that would make you feel better?" "Yes, there is." "What darling!" "That pearl set at Stiffknees." "But, my precious, you can't wear them while you are sick abed." "No, but I will know that nobody who isn't sick abed can." -[Town Topics.